Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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