Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
