Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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