The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
