ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
a search helicopter?!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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