The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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