I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
