I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
