Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
are you so shy because you have an std?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
