wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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