I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
