The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
