I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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