Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
