I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
