You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
