Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
