You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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