Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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