Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
All I want is dick and wine.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize