the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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