UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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