So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
