i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
