definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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