This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
