i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
As shirtless as possible
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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