So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
