guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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