he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
