Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
