i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
