the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
