i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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