remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
