Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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