I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
