it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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