to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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