whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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