I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
