I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
