dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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