I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
