I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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