he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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