Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
