you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
