So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
