I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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