accomplished twins. life is a go
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
