I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
