Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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