I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
