Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
