I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
