I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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