You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
