please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
